Sacrifice & Love

I spoke (wrote) too soon.

That first six days of post-surgery peace were a miracle.

But no sooner had I written about it, than G's internal switch flipped to "fight."  He literally turned to me and said, "I gonna fight you," and we were back to dancing - trying to help him maintain his peace.

At one point, he was thrashing out with everything he had.  Normally, I would sit and hold him on my lap and help him ride it out.  Instead, I was trying to keep him facedown, for the sake of his eye. 

Picture me lying on my back, hugging him to my chest, while he's rampaging.  He has no comprehension that with every "fight" he is putting himself at greater & greater risk of losing his eye.  I, of course, have full comprehension, but I can.not.stop.him. 

I can try as hard as possible to communicate the risk to him.  I can stretch in every way to create an environment that sets him up for success.  As he succumbs to meltdown, I can hold him.  I can choose to hug him through every blow so that he recovers with the least damage possible.

I can try to do everything in my power to protect him.  But I cannot stop him from hurting himself.

I try not to post the ugly on our blog.  Everyone - all of us - have ugly that we choose & experience.  This ugly is not who G is.  It's just what he's having to get through now, as any of us have personal struggles to get through.

However, G is providing me with such a profound life lesson, that I feel I have to share it.  I want you to learn with me.

As I mother G through this time, I cannot escape thinking about Jesus.

When he lived on earth, Jesus considered a path that would cause him great pain, a path that may have appeared impossible.

He weighed it against his love for us.

He chose to step into it.

Without a single complaint.

He poured out a gift of love.

Living a patient life, teaching, providing example after example.

Sacrificing, even accepting death on a cross.

Because I didn't get it.  I don't get it.  Time & time again, I make wrong choices.  I do what I should not do.  I fight to do the very things that are condemning me.

And, in spite of all that, Jesus loves me fully & completely.  He sacrificed everything so that I could have life... a life I could not attain on my own.

As I would do anything for my son, as best I can, even as he fights against himself & against me... Jesus did everything for me.  Perfectly.  He saved me. 

He offers this free gift to everyone who is not at peace, to everyone who wants it.

I'm learning about sacrifice.  About love.

I'm grateful for that.

Last Thursday

(If you were counting on a quick skim, it's probably best to save this

one for a day when you can read.  It's long, but it's all significant.)

I wake in the morning at 4:30.

Shoot.  I'm late.

G's doctor appointment is at 8:00.  Rush hour.  Rain.  Got to hurry.

God whispers.  Calls me.

Yes.  I'm in the habit of spending time with him in the morning.  I respond.

Quick prayer.  I still have something from yesterday on my mind: Walk humbly with your God.  I've been so upset lately with babysitter struggles - how to find enough coverage so I can work; how to empower / encourage / ensure that G is kept still while I'm away.  I repent of my worries (again).  Help me to walk humbly with You.

And now...  He whispers again.

Yes.  I open my "31 Days of Praise" book.

"How I praise You that I need not strive toward a possible victory, but can live from a position of victory already won - that He who is in me (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) is greater than he who is in the world... that although Satan is powerful, he cannot prevail against the blood of the Lamb and the Name of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Thank You that Satan must retreat before that Name and before Your Word, the living an powerful sword of the Spirit, and that in the end he will be cast down into everlasting defeat and shame."

Truth!  Fabulous!  I'm so glad I slowed down to read & praise.

I get up.  Whisper again.

Really?  I have to get ready.

Yes.

The traffic... rain... appointment...

Yes.

I open my bible.  Today's words are electric.

First in Philippians where a jailed Paul chooses to rejoice because "The Lord brought me here."  Paul encourages "Don't be intimidated by your enemies.  This will be a sign to them that they are going to be destroyed, but that you are going to be saved, even by God himself."

And in Isaiah, where the Lord says: "I will save your children."

I will remember this.  I understand that You wanted to tell me this.  I know You are equipping me.  I don't know why but I thank You.

I rush.

We get to the appointment exactly at 8:00.

The doctor examines G's eye.  She is serious today.  She says, "I am disappointed.  The retina is still detached."

This is after The Surgery.  The Surgery that had to work, and it hasn't worked.  We will give it one more week and see if it looks better next Thursday.  It must look better.  G has to stay still.  The threat of blindness looms.

G remains clueless.

I am heavy.

Still, my heart holds the promises.  In faith, I cling to Truth.

The Lord brought me here.

I will hold this living & powerful Word before me.

God will save my children.

I will live from a position of victory already won. 

And I will keep trying to figure out how to walk humbly with my God....