Incentives

I've wanted to start G on an incentive chart.  Creating a chart has been on my "To Do" list for months.

Then, after one tough day, I simply grabbed a scrap of paper and drew 4 lines across it.  I wrote in 2 topics to help Mr. Peter and 2 just for me:

- Wake up; no arguing.

- Prepare for nap.  No trouble.

- Good rest.  No trouble.

- Clean up before bed.

10 smiley faces = $1

Done.

And it's been working great.

G is excited when he gets it right.  He just had one of his best weeks ever.  He's learning about money.  He's learning about handling disappointment when he doesn't earn the smiley.  He's learning that after he makes a bad choice and reaps a consequence, he still has the ability to make a good choice next time.  All good.

Plus - I realized that we've got to get going with learning bible verses.  First up: "Do everything without complaining and arguing so that you may become blameless and pure children of God."

He's learning it.

That verse works well with his incentive chart because he doesn't earn a smiley if he complains, argues, or delays obedience.  Great stuff. 

And - let's face it - the verse has been good for me to think on too.

Striving to keep running with purpose in every step!

Sacrifice & Love

I spoke (wrote) too soon.

That first six days of post-surgery peace were a miracle.

But no sooner had I written about it, than G's internal switch flipped to "fight."  He literally turned to me and said, "I gonna fight you," and we were back to dancing - trying to help him maintain his peace.

At one point, he was thrashing out with everything he had.  Normally, I would sit and hold him on my lap and help him ride it out.  Instead, I was trying to keep him facedown, for the sake of his eye. 

Picture me lying on my back, hugging him to my chest, while he's rampaging.  He has no comprehension that with every "fight" he is putting himself at greater & greater risk of losing his eye.  I, of course, have full comprehension, but I can.not.stop.him. 

I can try as hard as possible to communicate the risk to him.  I can stretch in every way to create an environment that sets him up for success.  As he succumbs to meltdown, I can hold him.  I can choose to hug him through every blow so that he recovers with the least damage possible.

I can try to do everything in my power to protect him.  But I cannot stop him from hurting himself.

I try not to post the ugly on our blog.  Everyone - all of us - have ugly that we choose & experience.  This ugly is not who G is.  It's just what he's having to get through now, as any of us have personal struggles to get through.

However, G is providing me with such a profound life lesson, that I feel I have to share it.  I want you to learn with me.

As I mother G through this time, I cannot escape thinking about Jesus.

When he lived on earth, Jesus considered a path that would cause him great pain, a path that may have appeared impossible.

He weighed it against his love for us.

He chose to step into it.

Without a single complaint.

He poured out a gift of love.

Living a patient life, teaching, providing example after example.

Sacrificing, even accepting death on a cross.

Because I didn't get it.  I don't get it.  Time & time again, I make wrong choices.  I do what I should not do.  I fight to do the very things that are condemning me.

And, in spite of all that, Jesus loves me fully & completely.  He sacrificed everything so that I could have life... a life I could not attain on my own.

As I would do anything for my son, as best I can, even as he fights against himself & against me... Jesus did everything for me.  Perfectly.  He saved me. 

He offers this free gift to everyone who is not at peace, to everyone who wants it.

I'm learning about sacrifice.  About love.

I'm grateful for that.

What I Learned, Part 1

I have been having the most productive week ever.  Tasks that have cried out to me for months - finished!  I'm feeling pretty great... with a smidge of "blog guilt" thrown in.  Sorry I've abandoned you.

In reviewing what I learned at the House Calls Counseling conference, I found lots of lessons worth sharing.  It's going to have to be done in parts.


Part One...  Brains.

When a baby is born, his brain is formed but not yet fully developed.  The brain develops bottom up - simplest to most complex functions.  Thus, a newborn's brain can transmit signals regarding body functions, but the brain can't yet reason how to pull toast out of the toaster.

When a baby has negative experiences over & over & over (e.g. cries but his needs are never met in response), it changes his brain.  Physically, his body is impacted.

Here is a photo that compares a normal 3-year-old's brain to one of a 3-year-old who endured extreme early childhood neglect. 
The neglected child's brain is shockingly smaller.

Cortisol is a stress hormone.  Think "fight or flight reflex."  When a child experiences stress, it causes an increase in the cortisol in their body.  When the child experiences repetitive stress (neglect), their body decides that it needs more cortisol, and starts producing it on a continuous basis.  The child's body physically is programmed to function in "fight or flight" mode all.the.time.  Regardless of how the child may appear to outsiders, on the inside, he's living in the right side of his brain (emotion/reaction, not logic/reasoning).

Also - The last part of the brain to develop is the pre-frontal cortex - which controls a person's ability to reason.  A person needs to be able to access that part of the brain in order to make logical decisions.

Imagine this.... I'm typing when suddenly a spider sits down beside her (we've been practicing nursery rhymes) appears by my head.  I scream & jump up because my "fight or flight mode" kicks in.  But then I chill & kill the spider because my brain quickly moves into "logic mode."

When a child's brain has not developed normally, it physically cannot get into "logic mode" (left brain hemisphere).  He cannot feel safe.  At the sign of a trigger, he goes back to only functioning from "emotion mode" (right brain hemisphere).  He cannot reason.  Physically cannot.

Soooooo....  the big question we ask this child

"WHY did you do that?"

is not relative.  The truth is: He does not know why he did it.

The flow of information does not happen between the emotion & logic sides of the brain.

The emotion side rules.

So what should a parent do?

I think Billy Kaplan of House Calls said this:

"Trying to get at the truth only hurts you. 

Get to the child's experience of what happened."

Basically, this parent's job becomes helping their child understand his own experience...

"If what you say is true, what does that mean?"

I'm skipping so much good stuff, but G just woke up, and I have to hit PUBLISH. 

The right hemisphere of my brain HAS to hit PUBLISH.

Please note that I'm not trying to tell you anything in particular regarding my family here.  Just sharing some learning that I found fascinating.  Hope you enjoyed my super-simpled-down version.

Conference

Thank goodness!  I was overwhelmed by last weekend's conference, and had no idea how to summarize the experience. Thankfully, Christine summarized it.  Perfectly.  It was everything she wrote – and maybe more.  It was seriously that good.

(Shout out to Pam & Joseph, who both watched G so I could attend!)

I learned so much.

But the best thing about the conference was not what I learned; it was who I met.

I met another single mom… in my area… with a son who spent his early life in an orphanage!
I met a mom… in my area… with a son who shares some unusual behaviors with G!
I met a mom… in my area… with a son adopted from Haiti!
I met a mom whose daughter USED to share one of G’s behaviors!
I met Christine (rock star mom)!

I was accepted, not judged, understood, encouraged… and I got to return the favor as much as I could.

Wow.

But the best part of "who I met" was someone I already knew!  Do you remember me writing about Lindsay?... the woman who was amazing with the children in my son’s orphanage?... Lindsay was at the conference!

I was trying to minimize babysitting time for G, so I’d taken him with me to register in the morning.  I was chatting with someone, when I suddenly realized that a woman was crouched down right next to my son.  Huh?!  I turned to shoot her a “personal space invasion look of doom,” when I realized it was Lindsay!  Total shocker.  I may or may not have kissed her.  I was pretty excited.

So, in addition to everything else, I got to catch up with someone special and hear a bit about our Haiti friends!

I’ll try to share some of what I learned from the conference later this weekend.


Um. I’ll also try not to use excessive exclamation points again. Although I can’t make promises.