Where We've Been

G had an accident.  He fell and hurt his eye.  We've been going back & forth, seeing lots of different doctors.

Would appreciate everyone's prayers.  Thank you.

Understanding G

I zip around, trying to get breakfast on the table, when G pipes up:

"Im-a play in the puddle."

"NO.  Do not play in the puddle." (rotten, leaking refrigerator)

"Im-a play in the puddle!"

"Mama said NO.  I will clean up the puddle in a minute." 

"Mom.  I say you.  Im-a PLAY INNA PUDDLE!"

"G...."  (sees him opening the fridge)  lightbulb  "I'm sorry.  It would be great if you would get out the butter."

Sometimes the speech issues cause trouble, but mostly they're just adorable.

Two more of my favorite G-isms:

DEE-DAUSE = "because"

DAS NOK OK = "That's not ok" (a phrase that I regularly use with G, and with sometimes comes back my way from G - usually very calmly & seriously - as he warns me: "Mom.  Das nok ok."

What I Learned, Part 1

I have been having the most productive week ever.  Tasks that have cried out to me for months - finished!  I'm feeling pretty great... with a smidge of "blog guilt" thrown in.  Sorry I've abandoned you.

In reviewing what I learned at the House Calls Counseling conference, I found lots of lessons worth sharing.  It's going to have to be done in parts.


Part One...  Brains.

When a baby is born, his brain is formed but not yet fully developed.  The brain develops bottom up - simplest to most complex functions.  Thus, a newborn's brain can transmit signals regarding body functions, but the brain can't yet reason how to pull toast out of the toaster.

When a baby has negative experiences over & over & over (e.g. cries but his needs are never met in response), it changes his brain.  Physically, his body is impacted.

Here is a photo that compares a normal 3-year-old's brain to one of a 3-year-old who endured extreme early childhood neglect. 
The neglected child's brain is shockingly smaller.

Cortisol is a stress hormone.  Think "fight or flight reflex."  When a child experiences stress, it causes an increase in the cortisol in their body.  When the child experiences repetitive stress (neglect), their body decides that it needs more cortisol, and starts producing it on a continuous basis.  The child's body physically is programmed to function in "fight or flight" mode all.the.time.  Regardless of how the child may appear to outsiders, on the inside, he's living in the right side of his brain (emotion/reaction, not logic/reasoning).

Also - The last part of the brain to develop is the pre-frontal cortex - which controls a person's ability to reason.  A person needs to be able to access that part of the brain in order to make logical decisions.

Imagine this.... I'm typing when suddenly a spider sits down beside her (we've been practicing nursery rhymes) appears by my head.  I scream & jump up because my "fight or flight mode" kicks in.  But then I chill & kill the spider because my brain quickly moves into "logic mode."

When a child's brain has not developed normally, it physically cannot get into "logic mode" (left brain hemisphere).  He cannot feel safe.  At the sign of a trigger, he goes back to only functioning from "emotion mode" (right brain hemisphere).  He cannot reason.  Physically cannot.

Soooooo....  the big question we ask this child

"WHY did you do that?"

is not relative.  The truth is: He does not know why he did it.

The flow of information does not happen between the emotion & logic sides of the brain.

The emotion side rules.

So what should a parent do?

I think Billy Kaplan of House Calls said this:

"Trying to get at the truth only hurts you. 

Get to the child's experience of what happened."

Basically, this parent's job becomes helping their child understand his own experience...

"If what you say is true, what does that mean?"

I'm skipping so much good stuff, but G just woke up, and I have to hit PUBLISH. 

The right hemisphere of my brain HAS to hit PUBLISH.

Please note that I'm not trying to tell you anything in particular regarding my family here.  Just sharing some learning that I found fascinating.  Hope you enjoyed my super-simpled-down version.

Running Late

This morning I'm hurrying around like a maniac, when....

"You cuddle me Mom?"

I turn to look at my shadow.

"I jus like to cuddle me."

Me too, G. 

Always time for a cuddle.

Conference

Thank goodness!  I was overwhelmed by last weekend's conference, and had no idea how to summarize the experience. Thankfully, Christine summarized it.  Perfectly.  It was everything she wrote – and maybe more.  It was seriously that good.

(Shout out to Pam & Joseph, who both watched G so I could attend!)

I learned so much.

But the best thing about the conference was not what I learned; it was who I met.

I met another single mom… in my area… with a son who spent his early life in an orphanage!
I met a mom… in my area… with a son who shares some unusual behaviors with G!
I met a mom… in my area… with a son adopted from Haiti!
I met a mom whose daughter USED to share one of G’s behaviors!
I met Christine (rock star mom)!

I was accepted, not judged, understood, encouraged… and I got to return the favor as much as I could.

Wow.

But the best part of "who I met" was someone I already knew!  Do you remember me writing about Lindsay?... the woman who was amazing with the children in my son’s orphanage?... Lindsay was at the conference!

I was trying to minimize babysitting time for G, so I’d taken him with me to register in the morning.  I was chatting with someone, when I suddenly realized that a woman was crouched down right next to my son.  Huh?!  I turned to shoot her a “personal space invasion look of doom,” when I realized it was Lindsay!  Total shocker.  I may or may not have kissed her.  I was pretty excited.

So, in addition to everything else, I got to catch up with someone special and hear a bit about our Haiti friends!

I’ll try to share some of what I learned from the conference later this weekend.


Um. I’ll also try not to use excessive exclamation points again. Although I can’t make promises.

A Quick Smile

I am planning to post about the conference.  But until I get to that...

G (to me): "Das my coffee.  You wanna dink it?"

Me: "I can't.  I'm fasting from coffee.  Joseph isn't fasting.  He can drink it."

G (to Joseph): "Here.  You not fast.  You slow."

Fallout

I spent the weekend at an AMAZING "therapeutic parenting" conference.  It was instructive and encouraging and... overwhelming.  What an intense weekend.

Today Mr. Jim wrote me a note: "G was really emotional today.  When I wouldn't let him do something he started crying...."

Tonight at dinner G said "I'm like-a baby.  Feed me Mama."  And we did the baby routine all through the meal.  I needed to hold him, feed him, clean his face with the spoon, burp him. 

Totally coincidental, I'm sure, that his days with babysitters led to this regression.

At least I can practice all of my wonderful therapeutic parenting.